Losing my Ah Ma

Different people deal with the death issue differently.

Some assimilated it immediately, bawled their hearts out and seems okay soon after.
Some consoled themselves by thinking that their loved one has went on to a better, happy world which in turns make them feel alot better
Some needs longer time, while others heal faster.

I guess how one reacts to it is also dependent on various factors - level of kinship, depth of your love, regrets.

I wasn't brought up by my ah ma, unlike some of my cousins. Even so, I'm closer to her than my maternal grandmother, simply because she cares deeply about every single one of her descendants, be it children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren. She would call us everyweek, to find out how we are doing. Once, i was home alone for a week when my family went TW, and she called just to check if i've eaten, etc.

Such memories of her became more apparent after her death.

I've been trying to recall as much memories as i can of my time spent with her and replay it in my head for i'm afraid of forgeting her touch, her voice and her features. Everytime I do so, i would tear and let the grief wash over me. I know time heals, but doesn't that equate to forgetting her?

And there's also regrets. I'm sure everyone of us who feel the pain will also feel the regrets.

My brother and I feel that ever since we started working, we hadn't take our ah ma out for meals frequent enough. Also, we always hear her speak of my dad's childhood, but we never asked about hers. We won't have the chance to again.

I've never been religious until ah ma's demise. I find myself asking more questions on where will she be now, when will she come back (my religion believes that she will return on the 7th day), and what it means to appear in my dreams.

I longed for her to appear in my dreams, hear her voice again and her touch.

We'll miss you so much.